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“So class, the lesson for the day is that when you snooze you lose…” Said Professor KlienStienSenBerg as he jerked up violently extending his legs out of a bent position, yanking Danny’s underpants up into his butt crack until they were torn to shreds and fibers were embedded in his broken flesh. Danny yelped and stiffened up like a board then fell down onto the tile floor where he flipped, flopped, vibrated, and gyrated his way into a seizure.
“Stop falling asleep in my class Danny!! You think your cool but your not!” Yelled Professor K. “I’m sorry professor…” said Danny through chattering teeth and clenched fists. “You know…I’m a recovering coffee addict–how do you expect me to keep energized.”
“We’re all coffee addicts now and these little stunts of yours haven‘t changed a dammed thing–Student X!” shouted the now irate professor. Being labeled as student X was very alienating at the Academy for Perpetually Pepped Partly Perished People. This was the place that everyone in the whole world got trained for anything you ever needed to do.
Danny the cool kid had been the target of all of professor KlienStienSenBerg’s negative impulses for quite some time. This was out of vicarious jealousy. His son, J. Stein Dior was in the same class as Danny and wasn’t nearly as advanced or cool. All of the girls liked Danny and he outscored all the students in the class physically and mentally. Literally his only weakness was that he fell asleep in class sometimes. And that wasn’t even really a weakness because he hadn’t drank coffee for like four weeks and coffee is the only thing that there was left to eat or drink on the whole planet. Which means that he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in four weeks.
“I’m making a new religion. It’s called let’s all die with grace and quit drinking all the damned coffee.” Danny announced to his class five weeks early–he was immediately wedgied to the ground by professor K. Danny got hold of some ancient literature that stated that people actually got to die rather than being perpetually pepped up caffeine–which had widely been accepted as the fountain of youth and source of all life in the universe for several hundred years.
People were very gaunt and pallid, they were bald all over and their eyes sank deeply back into their forehead–barely visible white dots buried in black pits of withered flesh. Their skin hung flimsily onto their skeleton. Their mouths hung low on their chin in the shape of an O. Their hearts were black and constantly fluttering in and out of life. But no one had died in like four hundred years so they weren’t doing all that bad.
J Stien Dior was very un-cool. He was someone who was very unattractive physically, relatively speaking, and with a very plain and stagnant personality, utterly devoid of a single unique dynamic. J was the professor’s love child with perennial fixture in the starting lineup of the intergalactic all ugly team, Pepe Dior.
Pepe lived in the covert at the end of Professor K’s driveway, she lived off small rodents and the dirty leaves and garbage that flew in on the breeze. The Professor would go outside and have a “roll in the hay” with Pepe every full moon, while his wife and mother in law slept just meters away. His mother in law slept in the same bed as he an his wife, usually between them.
In tears one night, J asked his father if he would murder Danny so that he could rise to be the coolest kid in the class. “For you my son, I will kill the whole class.”
“No daddy that’s alright, Danny will do just fine.”
“Your sure you don’t want me to kill the whole class? I mean I can just as easily do that, it’d be no problem and it’d probably be less of a headache in the end….”
“No, No. The only one who needs to die is Danny, he’s the one.”
“Fine then.”
J was fooling himself. Even if he killed Danny the coolest he would still by be by far the least interesting boy in the class. As if you could be over four hundred years old not yet have developed a personality–J is the guy in the movies that everyone hates, and he hates everyone else; but then at the end of the movie he realizes that who he’s really hated this entire time is himself–just like everyone else.
“Daddy if you kill him, everyone will love me, and I will love you.”
“I want that to happen.”
To be continued.

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